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Surprises from the Past

It's taken me a long time to post this. This originated in September 2017. Something hit me during a trip to San Francisco. Something unexpected!

It started on the Wednesday night that I arrived...we were staying at a hostel for one night and, upon showing up, I discovered we didn't have a private washroom, as I had expected. We were in a room with a shared hall washroom.

And I did not react well to this!

It took me until the next morning to really figure out why I had such a strong reaction to this situation.

I grew up in a loving and wonderful home. Despite living on/under the poverty line, I was more than taken care of and had all requirements, plus some extras. I had it pretty good. We lived in the country, I was surrounded by a great community, and...

...we had an outhouse until I was in my teens (which was still an outhouse, but it had a sink and a light in it, and it was right off the porch).

When you're young, the experiences of judgement - both self-imposed and by others - affect you whether you are aware of them or not. I remember this as being less embarrassing and more either normal or an adventure. Yet, it seems to have affected me more than I had thought!

That following morning in San Francisco, I woke up and it hit me why this situation was affecting me so much.

I have worked incredibly hard in my life to not be in the situation I was in as a child - and I'm still working on improving the abundance in my life. This is a sensitive subject for me as I'm not where I was, and I'm not yet at the level of financial success that I desire for myself, my family, and my future family.

I place judgement on myself for being "lesser than" based on the situation I grew up in. I am in a constant cycle of proving (to myself) my financial worth and abundance.

Going on "vacation" and not staying at a nice hotel (for just one night), and having to share a bathroom, made me feel lesser than and brought up these old feelings of (self) judgement for my place in this society.

So here's the practice (that I'm still working on):

  1. Notice and become aware of the triggers
  2. Look into the emotions and judgements behind the reaction - without judgement
  3. Question the expectations leading to the reaction

And here's the big one:

  1. Place your hands on your heart and breathe into your truth

Because...are you ready for a hard truth?

...

...

...

You Are Enough!

I'm still working on this...even posting that I great up with an outhouse is terrifying me (and making me cringe). But the strength to actually post is coming from my truth - my oneness - and knowing that I am enough.

You Are Enough Loves!

Namasté,
~Alannah

 

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